"I don't even know if I can enjoy the sham election now that I know who will win", "Umm, I'm fine with it, I mean, he was going to get my meaningless vote anyway".
It all started as what could be considered a normal day. I had just boarded the G Line at Lincoln Station and the music of MC 900Ft Jesus was starting to fill my headphones. The details are rather trivial, but what was to come most certainly was not.
As I sat there watching people walk to and from the train, I had what one could consider a "EUREKA!" moment. Years of people watching finally paid off as I discovered what invariably is three different walking gaits in homo sapiens.
The first gait is what I have aptly named the "Shaggy gait". It consists of a more upright upper back going in to almost a leaning backward position, straight lower back, arms not swinging all that much, and legs that kick out way in front of the body. It helps for a Shaggy walker to have long legs, but it's not entirely important. About 23% of walkers tend to possess the Shaggy gait.
The next gait I identified was what I consider to be the "Sasquatch gait". Sasquatchers tend to lean forward as they walk with an almost exaggerated arm swing, nearly 42% of walkers are Sasquatchs. The third gait is yet to be identified, although my research is nearly complete.
When I first unveiled my hypothesis it wasn't widely accepted. By widely, I mean I told it to two people and was met with a large amount of skepticism. However, as someone walked by I pointed out one of the traits I had mentioned, identifying someone as a Sasquatch walker. This stimulus brought unexpected results. Melissa spit out her ice cream and laughed, Ayshia let me know that my research was "mean".
From a pure scientific perspective it's not mean at all, it's rather objective. I'm sure when the first scientist discoverd the ass-faced cat or the squished-nosed dog, they had to explain it in terms that may have hurt the animal's feelings, but that's science.
Unfortunately my cell phone camera sucks, but that sign says Compact Car Parking with an arrow pointing left. However, the row is always filled with SUVs and pickups. I was lucky enough to catch some fictitional interviews with people as they unboarded their vehicles, some of the dialogue is below:
1) My pickup/SUV is compact compared to a Ford Excursion or semi truck.
2) It does say Compact Car Parking <- with an arrow to the left, but I thought that was for the immediate spot where the sign was and the next one over.
3) Do you know how much I just paid for gas?
4) My SUV/pickup is a hybrid.
5) My SUV/pickup runs on FlexFuel, which costs almost as much as normal gas and gets 30% less miles per gallon.
6) Who reads those signs anyway?
This is a Target ad that was on the sidebar for an air purifier....
I'm not sure what those little circles around her head are? Maybe what dust particles look like once they are all purified? Perhaps air so pure it's Zen-like? Every time I see this picture I think, "I'm going to lick this little red box because the air is so pure now that I have mineral deficiencies from no longer ingesting dust, get one for yourself and you too can have wacky circles floating around your head while you lick stuff around the house"...
Add your own caption here...
As a child, I had the "Anything is possible" or "nothing is impossible" conversation with my dad. He told me to, "go out and piss over the moon then". :)
It seems like most people I meet along the road to work have the rules for bike commuting pretty well figured out, in fact, most of my research comes from observing the natives. Just in case though, I thought I'd outline some of my research so that others may benefit.
1) Kharma doesn't work
Buddha was a smart dude, but he had it wrong, kharma doesn't work... As such if you ever see someone broken down on the side of the road with a flat, or pushing their bike on a flat, you should never ask if they need help or if they have everything they need. It won't come back to you some day and the last thing you want to do is waste a patch and 5 minutes of your time.
The one exception would be a hot chick who has it all under control, by all means stop for her and hang around in the spandex. Bonus points occur when you mention you were doing CP12 intervals that your coach prescribed, but you felt strong enough that you were doing them at CP6 intensity.
2) Never say hi
On the road, cyclists are about as loved by drivers as GW Bush would be at a Save the environment rally. So it makes sense that you should never say hi to other cyclists as you go by them, from either direction. Sometimes a cordial wave is ok, but waving is like turning on your blinker before you turn when someone is waiting at an intersection, it shows weakness and you must avoid that. Saying hi also takes precious energy and might throw you above your heart rate zone, you don't want that! The absolute best scenario is just to stare straight ahead and pretend like no one is there.
3) Everything is a race
Let's face it, competition is in our blood, and there is evidence of competitions of great magnitude throughout the ancients. So it makes sense that we carry on the tradition at every opportunity. Someone stops at a light with you, make sure to clip in and beat them across the street. A hill is coming up, keep looking back to see if they are gaining. When all else fails...
4) Remember the 3 Amigos
This is really an extension of rule #3, but it's also a segway in to rule #5. Do you remember the scene in 3 Amigos where El Guapo tells Martin Short, Chevy Chase, and Steve Martin that they will die like dogs? No? Let me highlight it for you.
3 Amigos: Tell us we will die like dogs
El Guapo:...You will die like dogs
3 Amigos: No we will fight like lions
Remember this one when you are out there making everything a race. Chase someone down even if they are faster than you. As you catch them at the limit of what you can do, STAND and HAMMER! Put some distance on them. When they maintain a constant speed and catch you again, well, it's time to resort to #5.
5) Never admit defeat
If someone catches you as you are riding along and violates rule #2 by saying hi, be sure to mention that you rode 300 miles in the last two days and have a big sprint day tomorrow that you are resting up for. The ride today is an easy spin to stretch out your legs. If the other rider persists in talking to you and you are out of breath, mention "this is my corner" at the next intersection and turn off.
There you have the bulk of my research thus far. I am sure there is much more to be learned and I am anxious to complete my studies.
Santa, I've been really bad this year... I deserve a smart car for Christmas.... no, that's not a Gixxer motor in it.... come on Santa, how could you say that, I'm concerned with fuel economy... help me save the environment!
Holy crap this is funny!
Original is at http://www.arrepiado.com/html/modules/wfdownloads/visit.php?cid=8&lid=90
Welcome enthusiasts and searchers of the letter T, also known as the letter t!
I have not totally lost it. Ever since I started utilizing Google Analytics I've been surprised and amused at the search words and phrases people use to find my blog. A phrase of totally random words can be pulled from several posts to come up with a search string I never thought of or intended. What I never expected however, was that so many people would find it just be searching for "t", not the "letter t", or "Mr. T", just "t".
Perhaps more disturbing and disappointing was the position of my blog within the searches for the letter t. Let me take a moment to tell you, I was a long ways toward the tail end, and there were some pretty lame sites ahead of me. With this totally informative post, I plan to better my search rankings while paying tribute to the the letter t. I just hope in the process that I do not let you "t" enthusiasts down and portray myself as a sellout, I would hate to alienate what looks to be one of my top fan bases.
Three of the sites ahead of me in t position (until after today that is, take that):
I can't Believe it's not Butter - I can, but that's beside the point. I assume the tasty no-trans fat alternative ranks higher than me because the title utilizes 4 T's while my lowly site only uses 3 t's.
Excel Can't Multiply - What a titilating subject.. Any techie tumultuous enough to write an entire post on this subject deserves the top search position
Alaskans don't go easy on vampires - it's not as terrifying as you might think...
So without further ado, I pay tribute to the terrific letter t!
tattoo - totally bitchin'
Tattoo - little person
tarantula - don't think of calling this an insect, you don't have to be an entomologist to know it's true classifcation
Social Distortion - totally not country, not truly alternative, just awesome old school punk
TwinSix t-shirts - tasty!
Tampax Pearl White tampons - it's all about the hit counts and attracting unsuspecting internet travelers, I stayed awake at night contemplating how I might integrate tampons in to a post of thoughts, welcome new audience!
Tyrannasaurus Rex - expert scientists think this gigantic reptile became extinct after a comet hit the earth
White Subaru Legacy GT Limited - tinted and turbocharged with lots of traction
Two wheeled Trek mountain bike - lots of travel
Not an International tractor - this one is for my father
Garrett T-25 turbocharger next to a Garrett T04 turbocharger - take a look at the tiny turbo
Eagle Talon TSI (built by Mitsubishi) equipped from the factory with a T-25 turbocharger - topped with too much snow
The bike content has been a little weak and I apologize for that, that's what happens when you're taking some time off... Anyway, maybe this funny little video that has nothing to do with biking will tie you over...
First off, if you are coming here via a search, don't be a dumbass... If you've gotten an email from Brigadier General Valerie Norman, obviously it's a fake and they're looking to scam as much money off of you as they can...
Awhile back I read some of my SPAM email one day, and the one from "Brigadier General Valerie Norman" cracked me up the most. So I decided to create a fake email account and string the scammers on a little. The conversations that follow are from those encounters.
The original spam/scam email:
From: Valerie Norman
Subject: Thank you in advance for your anticipated co-operation
Date: Thu, 18 Oct 2007 18:06:42 +0200
Attention
Complement, I am Brigadier General Valerie Norman from Denmark, and the Field Commandant to the United Nations peacekeeping Force to Lebanon. During the last three weeks attack and invasion of the Rebels Base in Gaza and Lebanon, we recovered large sums of money loaded in a box. We are convinced that this money belongs to the Terrorists or Rebels being sponsored by their Islamic communities/countries. Having recovered this money,we cannot send it to the treasury of the Lebanese government, neither will it be given to the authority or Organization we are representing. In Lebanon and Gaza at the moment, movement of funds in and out of Lebanon is strictly monitored making it absolutely difficult for International Communities right here to transfer their funds out-side Lebanon unless there is an authority Letter from their Defence Ministry, Accountant General of the Federation's office explaining what the funds are and for what purposes. knowing fully well about these procedures, we decided to deposit the box in a reliable Security Company here in Lebanon. The title of the Deposit is "FAMILY TREASURY". Till this moment, the Security Company did not know the true content in the Box, all they know is that it is Family Treasury.
All we need from you is your cooperation in accepting this funds in your account. If this proposal is OK to you, please quickly get back to us through this most exclusive e-mail address valerianorman001@yahoo.com so that we can forward to you more details of the affair. The total amount in the box is $35.3 Million Dollars.
Thank you in advance for your anticipated co-operation.
Regards,
Brigadier General Valerie Norman
Hi, thank you so much for emailing me! I am astounded you found me, but I would like to help as much as I can with the peacekeeping efforts. Just tell me what I need to do and I will gladly help.
Additionally, I was wondering if you would bestow upon me the award of being honorary Brigadier General of Denmark? I'm assuming since you found me that you know my qualifications and would be honored to have me as part of your peacekeeping forces?
I am also Danish by heritage and still speak much of the native tongue, it may be better for "surveillance" reasons if we continue to speak only in the native Danish tongue, if you know what I mean... [wink]
I look forward to talking to you soon!
Sincerely,
Bob Kratchet
Date: Fri, 19 Oct 2007 02:35:04 -0700 (PDT)
From: "BRIG. GEN. VALERIE Norman"
Subject: RE: Thank you in advance for your anticipated co-operation
Dear Bob Kratchet,
Thank you so very much for your response. Like we said in our proposal to you, the fund is in two metal boxes, sealed and had been deposited in a Security Company here in Lebanon. Due to the situation here, we would not want you to come down to Lebanon for the claim. My colleagues and I have already made an arrangement with a Security Vault in Spain where the metal boxes will be transferred to and deposited as "Family Treasury". However, I am personally happy that you are related to Denmark and I wish that you will not betray the trust that we are about to bestow on you in this affair. Let me inform you that I am not alone in this transaction, we are six in numbers who are connected with this transaction, so, there is no need using any other dialect as other of my colleagues may feel otherwise.
Without wasting much time, we would like to have the following information from you.
1. Your full name and address
2. your exclusive telephone and fax numbers
Upon the receipt of these information, we shall update you more on the affair and how we planned to transfer the two metal box from Lebanon to Spain.
Let us inform you also that we shall take care of all the expenses of the movement of the consignments (2 boxes) from Lebanon to Spain. But we might not be able to be responsible for further expenses of the clearing of the consignment in Spain due to the prevailing situation here in the Lebanon. You shall pay for the clearing in Spain.
We wait for your response as soon as possible.
Regards,
Brig. Gen. Valerie Norman
Wait a minute, is this Valerie Norman? THE Valerie Norman? I thought your name sounded familiar, but couldn't place it before. You remember I said I was Danish too, we used to date in high school! Don't you remember? My name had to sound familiar to you as well!
We broke up at the end of our senior year after that little incident on the soccer field, I'm still sorry for that, I honestly didn't know there was a game that night and that all the lights were going to come on... After that I got all depressed and gained a bunch of weight, they called me Bob the blob in college because I gained so much weight... But then I lost it doing powerlifting competitions (the kind where you pull buses with your teeth) and we got back together briefly at the end of that year. You thought you were pregnant but it turned out to be a false alarm. We never spoke again after that and I guess that must have been when you went in to the military. I never knew you took that path because I moved away, that was SO long ago!
Wow! It's awesome to talk to you again! I really trust you now, I was a little scared with just a random email before, but it makes sense why you found me now! Just tell me what you need from me, I'll be glad to help!
Sincerely,
Bob Kratchet
Dear Bob,
We have resolved that you forget about assisting us in the business because it appears that you are kidding. Do I tell you that I am a girl? Thank God we have not forwarded your name to the security company as the beneficiary of the two boxes.
We shall look for another contact person to assist us. Bye
Brig. Gen. Valerie Norman
The Wednesday group tosses around inside jokes every now and then, people laugh because the presentation is usually enough in itself to make people bust a gut laughing, but often they probably sorta wonder what we're talking about.... The sordid details follow...
Beware, without a good knowledge of mountain bike racing, they might sound awful dumb or very confusing..... if you don't ride, maybe look away now rather than begging for the last 5 minutes of your life back once you get done reading...
InsideJoke #1
One of the favorite pet phrases of Chris, Marni, and myself is "shattered on the side of the trail holding a Clif bar" referring to mentally and physically broken riders, pushing beyond their abilities, so tired that the only thing they know how to do is sit, eat and stare off in to the trees, just wishing they were back home, or anywhere but on the trail.
Such as this great example from Marni regarding White Ranch, "I had worked it up in my head to be an incredibly steep, loose, single track trail straight up the side of a hill -- going on for miles, surrounded by hissing rattlers, people stopped every few feet gasping for air, grown men crying on the side of the trail with a clif bar in hand and a stick to beat off the snakes in the other."
The true origins came from an mtbr.com post regarding race tactics. Some of the suggestions were to go out hard and stay in front. One of the posters, Berkeley Mike coined the phrase that cracks us up every time we say it:
"Going out hard and never looking back is not one of them for most riders; they end up shattered at the side of the trail looking bewildered with a Clif bar in their hands or walking through a sea of lactic acid not knowing where to look."
InsideJoke #2
Sometimes we joke around about the different bikes you see people riding and how your bike seems to get dumpier and more beat up in direct correlation to the number of years you've ridden.
The true origins of that one came from an mtbr.com post where someone was wondering what type of bike should be used for racing. Forkboy made the observation on the types of bikes he sees the different categories ride, and for the most part it was right on:
"Here's what I've noticed at the races
Beginner - Some enduro, or just older (heavy) FS bikes. Old hardtails (mid 90's)
Sport - Top of the line shiny & new $3500 FS race rigs with all the pimps and whistles
Expert - 2-5 yr old hardtails with beat up shifters & rim brakes, 2-3yr old scratched up SID forks, but very high dollar wheelsets & semi-slick race tires.
Pro - whatever they get paid to ride.
In your situation, it shouldn't matter what you ride in your first few races."
InsideJoke #3
"Oh, it's a rental bike? In that case, hand me that rock over there!"
This story came from a California road trip where we stopped at Mammoth Mountain for a day to go downhilling. Picked up rental bikes from the bike shop there, took the lift up, and noticed my crank seemed loose, nothing to do then but ride it.
Or not? Swooping down a big right-hander, the crank liberating itself from the bike and made a run for freedom. Hating its freedom, I quickly rolled to a stop and waited as people rode by before going to get it. Melissa made it there before I got back to it, she laughed and said, "look what somebody lost", she stopped laughing when I was standing there (with Clif bar in hand), but then laughed even harder.
Being a rental bike and having no tools, I was at the mercy of other trail users. This guy named Phil was nice enough to stop. He tightened it as hard as he could and said he'd rather not do it anymore as he didn't want to ruin my equipment. I told him it was a rental bike and he said, "Oh, it's a rental bike? In that case, hand me that rock over there." The situation that ensued went something like SMACK! Tighten.... SMACK! Tighten... One more time.... SMACK! Tighten... It was enough to get me mostly to the bottom of the trail at least and toss that piece of crap back in to the faces of the resort bike shop who simply said "thanks"...
InsideJoke #4
The Plesko 2005 Training Program
These days, you hear the word Plesko and you think of a hardcore maniac, doing Tour de Front Range and riding extra miles to get there, do it, and ride home. Many people would find this hard to believe now, but there was a time (take a guess, it might be the year before 2006) that Chris didn't like to ride his bike. In fact we could never even get him to come join us. The Plesko 2005 Training Program isn't one that you want to be on, we've all tried it one year or another and it's not too effective. You can read a lot more about it at the link to the Wednesday ride history.
It just so happened that Chris' bad year corresponded with a good year for me, and I was able to somehow outclimb him. This was before I worked really hard on becoming a good downhiller, he'd catch me on each downhill, and I'd pass him again on the climbs. The only race pic you'll ever see me ahead of him is right here! Ride on Chris, we're glad you're back!
A while back I started retiring all of my "old" jerseys... we all have them, stuff we thought looked cool at the time and now we just shake our heads wondering what we were thinking. We don't wear them anymore for fear of being ridiculed and beat down by the bike trail bully. Especially with our new "team" jersey design finally coming to fruition, these gems have got to go. It breaks my heart to part with them, but I'll just be happy to know they're going to a good home...
Buyer's note: If you are from Nigeria and are "very interested in my jerseys", please note that I only accept cashier's checks and that I prefer them to be thousands of dollars over the jersey amount so that I can send you the difference back within a day of actually cashing the check. If that sounds good to you please send me an email by clicking here Icantbelieveiamdumbenoughtoclickonthislink@yahoo.com
Triple Bypass 2005
If suffering for 120 miles over 10,000 feet of vertical gain wasn't enough, the freezing cold rain down Vail Pass, near hypothermia, and $100+ entry fee was.
No Fear Dangerous Sports Gear
Warning, if you do not participate in dangerous sports with no fear, you will probably be disappointed with this jersey. Comes with a complimentary bottle of Mountain Dew. For EXTREME risktakers only!
24Hour Fitness
We all remember the 24Hour Fitness cycling team and how they dominated the sport, those were the good old days.
Pearl Izumi solid blue, the "pack-filler"
This jersey is reserved for pack fillers in Right Guard commercials and biking movies. Surprise your friends and the bike trail heroes when you out-ride them while wearing the pack-filler jersey.
Pearl Izumi blue w/ white stripe, the "contender"
This jersey is reserved for hungry contenders that just can't quite catch our hero, it has added coloring to differentiate contenders from pack fillers in movies and Right Guard commercials. In a real life movie, Basso and Ulrich might wear something such as this while chasing Lance. Anyone fighting Rocky might also wear this jersey.
Performance long sleeve hooded jersey - savin' the best for last!
Famous Performance fit and quality, will fit best if you have tiny shoulders, tiny head, and HUGE beer gut. Hood hugs the head so well even Sir Lancelot would be proud.
This cracks me up, every time I say, "man, I'm like a bull in a china closet", people look at me like I'm some type of dumbass.... at least the expression has been tested...
Steve Truesdale
Courtesy http://www.milehighcyclesport.com
Next up we have Derrick Bourgeois. Derrick was guilted in to the mix on the premise that he hasn't done any events with us this year, also that he could beat Truesdale. Derrick has the fight of a lion when his mind is strong and things are falling together for him. Hopefully he gets some good training in during the month of August and comes in at tip-top shape.
Derrick Bourgeois in the Leadville 100
And lastly we have me... wheelie-ing on ice with studded tires... Probably would just be lolly-gagging this race if Truesdale's main goal wasn't to "beat DaLoo"... :)
I wrote this in early 2006 after doing a crappy 55 mile commute twice a day for 4 years.... I thought I'd repost because I got a good chuckle out of it. At the time I'd concluded I must have missed some driver's ed course.
These are the rules it appears many drivers lived by as I drove back and forth to the Springs.
* When you come off an on-ramp, go immediately to the left lane. Don't see how traffic is moving, don't take any moment to analyze the situation, go immediately to the left lane. Cross 4 lanes at once if you have to, but go immediately to the left lane.
* Never, ever, leave the left lane!
* If you are going 70mph in the left lane and someone comes up behind you going 85mph, speed up to at least 85mph and possibly even 95mph to enunciate the fact that you don't need to leave the left lane.
* If you are going 70mph in the left lane and someone comes up behind you going 85mph and for some reason you decide to actually get over to the right lane, speed up to at least 85mph, if not 95mph, in the right lane to protest the fact that someone wanted to pass you.
* If someone in front of you has their blinker on to make a lane change, speed up as quickly as you can to close the gap and not let them in. If they happen to make the lane change anyway, flip them off and ride their bumper while flashing your lights and throwing up your hands.
* If you are making a lane change and someone is nice enough to let you in, by no means should you ever wave to acknowledge their kind act. People have thankless enough lives and jobs anyway, you never want to make them feel happy for even just a second when they do a kind act to you, and besides it was your right to change lanes.
* Put stickers on your car that say "I'm not speeding, I'm qualifying" and "I'm not tailgating, I'm drafting". Cops dig that shit....
* Put stickers on your car that say "Native Texan" and "Texan til I die". If there are people from any states that Coloradoans especially love it's Texans and Californians!
* If there is an accident in the southbound lane and you are going northbound and there is a concrete median between both lanes, slow down to a near stop anyway to take a look and cause a traffic disaster.
* Buy the largest SUV that you can, it will keep you safe in the winter. Darkly tint the windows so that smaller cars behind you can't see ahead in traffic to know what's going on.
* If you see a disabled car with the hood and trunk up and the people sitting outside the car waiting for help, watch out for a speed trap a half mile down the road. Apparently protecting and serving is less important than generating revenue.
* Make a huge deal about the RTD strike and all the extra traffic it causes, but never, ever consider riding the bus.
Additions from others:
* When you're traveling on a single-lane road with passing lanes going 10 under the limit and someone passes you legally, take this as a personal affront to your dignity and immediately try to re-pass the passer regardless of oncoming traffic or double yellow lines. Don't forget to immediately slam on your brakes after swerving in front of the offending car, so you can slow them down to your speed (much more reasonable than that outrageously high speed limit on the signs).
Or the corollary:
* If you are able to notice someone trying to pass you on a single-lane road with passing lanes while you are going 10 under the limit before they have finished passing you, speed up--they're racing you.
* Never, under any circumstances, ever merge into 75MPH traffic faster than 45MPH from the onramp.
* If the traffic in front of you slows down slightly, hit your brakes! Air resistance won't slow you down at all so you need to hit your brakes for the slightest of speed changes.
