Awhile back I read some of my SPAM email one day, and the one from "Brigadier General Valerie Norman" cracked me up the most. So I decided to create a fake email account and string the scammers on a little. The conversations that follow are from those encounters.
The original spam/scam email:
From: Valerie Norman
Subject: Thank you in advance for your anticipated co-operation
Date: Thu, 18 Oct 2007 18:06:42 +0200
Complement, I am Brigadier General Valerie Norman from Denmark, and the Field Commandant to the United Nations peacekeeping Force to Lebanon. During the last three weeks attack and invasion of the Rebels Base in Gaza and Lebanon, we recovered large sums of money loaded in a box. We are convinced that this money belongs to the Terrorists or Rebels being sponsored by their Islamic communities/countries. Having recovered this money,we cannot send it to the treasury of the Lebanese government, neither will it be given to the authority or Organization we are representing. In Lebanon and Gaza at the moment, movement of funds in and out of Lebanon is strictly monitored making it absolutely difficult for International Communities right here to transfer their funds out-side Lebanon unless there is an authority Letter from their Defence Ministry, Accountant General of the Federation's office explaining what the funds are and for what purposes. knowing fully well about these procedures, we decided to deposit the box in a reliable Security Company here in Lebanon. The title of the Deposit is "FAMILY TREASURY". Till this moment, the Security Company did not know the true content in the Box, all they know is that it is Family Treasury.
All we need from you is your cooperation in accepting this funds in your account. If this proposal is OK to you, please quickly get back to us through this most exclusive e-mail address firstname.lastname@example.org so that we can forward to you more details of the affair. The total amount in the box is $35.3 Million Dollars.
Thank you in advance for your anticipated co-operation.
Brigadier General Valerie Norman
My first reply where I mention I'm Danish as well and would like to speak in the native tongue and ask to be an honorary Brigadier General:
Hi, thank you so much for emailing me! I am astounded you found me, but I would like to help as much as I can with the peacekeeping efforts. Just tell me what I need to do and I will gladly help.
Additionally, I was wondering if you would bestow upon me the award of being honorary Brigadier General of Denmark? I'm assuming since you found me that you know my qualifications and would be honored to have me as part of your peacekeeping forces?
I am also Danish by heritage and still speak much of the native tongue, it may be better for "surveillance" reasons if we continue to speak only in the native Danish tongue, if you know what I mean... [wink]
I look forward to talking to you soon!
Anyway, here is the funny reply I was sent:
Date: Fri, 19 Oct 2007 02:35:04 -0700 (PDT)
From: "BRIG. GEN. VALERIE Norman"
Subject: RE: Thank you in advance for your anticipated co-operation
Dear Bob Kratchet,
Thank you so very much for your response. Like we said in our proposal to you, the fund is in two metal boxes, sealed and had been deposited in a Security Company here in Lebanon. Due to the situation here, we would not want you to come down to Lebanon for the claim. My colleagues and I have already made an arrangement with a Security Vault in Spain where the metal boxes will be transferred to and deposited as "Family Treasury". However, I am personally happy that you are related to Denmark and I wish that you will not betray the trust that we are about to bestow on you in this affair. Let me inform you that I am not alone in this transaction, we are six in numbers who are connected with this transaction, so, there is no need using any other dialect as other of my colleagues may feel otherwise.
Without wasting much time, we would like to have the following information from you.
1. Your full name and address
2. your exclusive telephone and fax numbers
Upon the receipt of these information, we shall update you more on the affair and how we planned to transfer the two metal box from Lebanon to Spain.
Let us inform you also that we shall take care of all the expenses of the movement of the consignments (2 boxes) from Lebanon to Spain. But we might not be able to be responsible for further expenses of the clearing of the consignment in Spain due to the prevailing situation here in the Lebanon. You shall pay for the clearing in Spain.
We wait for your response as soon as possible.
Brig. Gen. Valerie Norman
For fun, I replied with this mentioning I think we dated in high school:
Wait a minute, is this Valerie Norman? THE Valerie Norman? I thought your name sounded familiar, but couldn't place it before. You remember I said I was Danish too, we used to date in high school! Don't you remember? My name had to sound familiar to you as well!
We broke up at the end of our senior year after that little incident on the soccer field, I'm still sorry for that, I honestly didn't know there was a game that night and that all the lights were going to come on... After that I got all depressed and gained a bunch of weight, they called me Bob the blob in college because I gained so much weight... But then I lost it doing powerlifting competitions (the kind where you pull buses with your teeth) and we got back together briefly at the end of that year. You thought you were pregnant but it turned out to be a false alarm. We never spoke again after that and I guess that must have been when you went in to the military. I never knew you took that path because I moved away, that was SO long ago!
Wow! It's awesome to talk to you again! I really trust you now, I was a little scared with just a random email before, but it makes sense why you found me now! Just tell me what you need from me, I'll be glad to help!
Obviously that one was over the top, but I didn't fucking care, here is the reply I got back:
We have resolved that you forget about assisting us in the business because it appears that you are kidding. Do I tell you that I am a girl? Thank God we have not forwarded your name to the security company as the beneficiary of the two boxes.
We shall look for another contact person to assist us. Bye
Brig. Gen. Valerie Norman
If I hadn't grown bored with it I could have strung them on some more, but it had gotten old. How many times can I hear they need my full name, address, and information before it gets tiresome. Cracks me up, they *claim* to be stealing 35 million, but "thank God" they did not forward my name to the security company for kidding with them...